Pamela Anderson and the Truth About Porn Stars

pamela

 

Yesterday,  Pamela Anderson jumped on the anti-porn train to talk about the dangers of pornography.
Whether she really means what she says, or its just a PR move to gain publicity, I don’t know. Either way, I’ll take her word over the fraud Elizabeth Smart any day.

What I do know is that I agree with the majority of what she said. Here are some excerpts from her article:

“This is a public hazard of unprecedented seriousness given how freely available, anonymously accessible and easily disseminated pornography is nowadays. How many families will suffer? How many marriages will implode? How many talented men will scrap their most important relationships and careers for a brief onanistic thrill?”

She hit the nail on the head with this statement. I have clients who spent years building up businesses and raising wonderful families with amazing partners only to destroy everything because of their porn addiction.

“We must educate ourselves and our children to understand that porn is for losers — a boring, wasteful and dead-end outlet for people too lazy to rep the ample rewards of healthy sexuality.”

Alot of folks will no doubt be upset because they are called losers. While I am not anti-porn, and its not my style to call another man a loser,I do agree with her in the sense that if you aren’t where you want to be in life and porn is interfering in your life, you are really setting yourself up to have a totally shit life.

Finally, Pamela also claimed that kids who have grown up with technology will “become adults inured to intimacy and in need of even greater graphic stimulation. They are the crack babies of porn.”

Guys, I literally have parents contacting me asking what they can do about their 12 year old who is addicted to porn. Not one parent. Plural- parentS.
Let me explain something to all of you. If an 11 year old kid today is hooked on internet pornography, his chances of having a normal life dwindle drastically with each clip he watches simple because he is at the greatest risk to develop pornography addiction.

At that age, the brain is still developing, still malleable and its being filled with some of the most nasty stuff on the internet.

An 11 year old can learn a language and pick up a musical instrument faster than most of the grown men reading this article. What do you think he’s picking up when he watches porn?

Think it was bad when you watched porn? You KNOW how hard it is for you to quit.

Imagine how hard it is for 13 year old or a 16 year old boy.

Here are a few stats related to this topic:
Only 12% of parents know their teens are accessing pornography. TruResearch (2012) Covenent Eyes 2015 Pornography Statistics. [Accessed 29th December 2015] http://www.covenanteyes.com/lemonade/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/2015-porn-stats-covenant-eyes.pdf
Among youth 12–years to 14–years, 88% in the United States used the Internet. [26] “2008 World Internet Project survey of 13 countries revealed that among youth 12–years to 14–years, 88% in the United States used the Internet,” http://www.cdmc.ucla.edu/KS_Media_biblio_files/ Guan & Subrahmanyam 2009.pdf (accessed June 6, 2014 ).

93.2% of boys and 62.1% of girls have seen online pornography before age 18.

QuitPornGetGirls has a vision. Its doesn’t just end with this site. Right now, like batman recruiting for the Justice League, I am gathering an elite team that is preparing to work with the next generation of men. Not just any men, but the pre- teens and teenage men of today who are copiously consuming porn. This is a long term, possibly lifetime commitment, but it has to be done, or we as men are doomed. I’ll share more of this as the project comes to fruition.

Back to Pamela Anderson.

Pamela’s entrance into the realm of the the dangers of pornography gives me the perfect opportunity to write about a topic that had been sitting on my list for awhile.

That topic is “ Porn Stars” or Pornographic Film Actors.

The reason I never wrote it was because I didn’t want to reference any porn stars by name. I felt this would encourage readers who were struggling with porn to seek that actor out and perhaps end up relapsing.

While Pamela Anderson is not technically a “porn star”, in my mind she falls into the same category.
She became famous for posing for playboy and the sex tape of her an Tommy Lee is pretty much porn-so, porn star.
Her life, albeit high profile, is a good example of the life of a female porn star.

I believe that understanding some basic truth about the pornography industry and the actors who perform is useful to understand if you plan on changing or perception and attitude towards porn.

Fortunately and unfortunately, I have dated a few women who were involved in the porn industry. I’ll tell you right now that it actually HELPED my recovery because I got to witness the mental hell that most of them live in.

Most guys who watch porn choose to have certain beliefs about porn stars because it makes them feel okay about objectifying them.

Common Beliefs about Porn Stars:

1) Porn stars enjoy what they do and experience pleasure while acting.
2) Porn stars are just very sexual people.
3) Porn stars want me.
4) Porn stars are cool people that I’d like to get to know in real life.

These are the most common beliefs and I had them as well. At one point, I naively believed all these things about Pamela Anderson, even more so because she was an activist and at that point in my life, I felt that it was a “noble” thing. Mostly because I masturbated to her, though.

Here are a few realities about porn stars based on my experience. I’ll use Pamela Anderson as a reference due to her profile and the fact that most men on this site will recognize her regardless of what country they come from.

Most porn stars are victims of physical and sexual abusePamela Anderson was was molested by a female babysitter from ages 6 to 10, raped by a 25-year-old man when she was twelve, and gang-raped by her boyfriend and six of his friends when she was 14.

Many porn stars struggle with drug addiction and are high on drugs when they perform- Pamela was addicted to cocaine and alcohol at different period in her life. Every woman I dated or had sex with in the porn industry was addicted to some sort of drug- no exceptions.

Most feel unworthy of being loved. This behavior can easily be seen based on the sort of men female porn stars choose to get into relationships with as well the fragility of these relationships. Pamela Anderson, out side of other relationships has been married to Tommy Lee, whom she divorced, Kid Rock, whom she divorced and Rick Saloman whom she divorced, remarried and then divorced again.
In my case, at the height of my addiction, I was a straight up narcissistic asshole. I’m still a narcissist, but at some point, I became a magnet for really unhealthy women.
This helped me because I saw in them what I struggled with and many of you struggle with.
When I work with clients, I like to express this simply in the phrase “ If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.”
Because of out shame and guilt over the things we’ve watched, thoughts we’ve had and actions we’ve taken related sex and porn, we gradually develop a deep complex of being unlovable.
For those of us who recover and become skilled enough with women, or develop certain attractive qualities that women like, we still push away worthy women and end up with unhealthy women who we KNOW do not love us.

Most deal with mental health issues-post traumatic stress disorder, depression, personality disorders, low self esteem). This applies not just to porn stars, but also to the majority of sex workers. I’m no therapist, but I doubt anyone come out of an abusive childhood like Pamelas without some sort of disorder.

During filming, many of them go through emotional and physical pain, not pleasure. That’s why drugs are readily available on any porn set. This was a big one for me, as I had no idea until a woman I was dating who used to be in the industry told me about it. Some scenes on set can take hours and performers have to perform regardless of how they feel. Drugs numb them and help them get through filming.

I remember, years ago, after watching a particularly gruesome porn scene, trying to find other videos that the actress was involved in. I found out that she committed a suicide shortly after shooting that scene. Even though a logical part and compassionate part of my brain said “ She probably killed herself because she hated the person she had become.”, I ignored it and many times after watched and masturbated to that very film.

Porn had dulled my ability to sympathize with women.

When we begin to see porn stars as real people who are mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and friends who have feelings, needs, real name and are usually separated from us by some tragic personal history, we can begin to stop the objectification that keeps us in a fantasy world.

As men, we can also begin to have relationships- casual or monogamous with women without the constant need to objectify them.

Many men who are in recovery find it difficult to believe that they can have sex with multiple women and still not be attached to porn or objectify them in some way.

Most therapists and addiction recovery professionals believe that the only way to have a relationship after recovery is to be monogamous. I also don’t know of these professionals who has had sex with women in the three digit/figure range AFTER their recovery if they were formerly addicts. Basically, they are qualified to help you recover from a porn addiction, but NOT on how to have the sex life you want.

The only program that exists on how to have fulfilling, healthy and abundant sexual relationships after addiction is The Fearless Dating & Sexual Confidence Course for Recovering Porn Users.

I get how you feel. Take it from me, it is absolutely possible to have a healthy sex life, with one or multiple partners without any remnants of your past with pornography.

If you are still experiencing the frustration of trying to quit and never quite being able to give up porn for good, no worries.

Men who use The Quit Porn Program have been off porn for the longest period of time in their lives.

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