Today’s post is a guest post by Kevin Alexander of NiceGuyDating.ca
When I work with a nice guy who feels as though nice guys are meant to finish last, and that women only say that they want a nice guy (despite going for a jerk every time), I start to laser in on the beliefs that this guy may have about himself, and then about the world around him.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the beliefs we have about the world around us are simply reflections of the beliefs we have about the world inside of us, known in the self-image psychology world as the image you behold of yourself in your own mind.
Biologically we call this simply perception, and in the spiritual world we call this the reflection of Heaven. Either way you want to express it or understand it, know that it comes by many names, and is a relatively understood phenomena of the human experience.
In plain English, if you see yourself as the kind of guy who smokes, then smoking goes beyond nicotine addiction or a habit you’ve developed, and now instead becomes a force governed by one’s own self-image or identity. “I’m the kind of guy who smokes.” becomes the issue at hand. No nicotine patches or charting your daily habits will change what has become an identity.
The same is true if you were to identify as a nice guy based on your self-image. If you were to also believe that nice guys are meant to finish last, then it only takes some simple math to come to a very perturbing conclusion:
“If I’m a nice guy + Nice guys are meant to finish last = I’m a nice guy who is meant to finish last.”
The brain will fill in all the “Because…” reasons.
“If I’m a nice guy + Nice guys are meant to finish last = I’m a nice guy who is meant to finish last + Because + All girls like jerks.”
We’re now starting to build quite the mathematical belief equation, and it’s not going in a very positive direction. The work I do with myself (showcased in this article), as well as the work I do with guys just like you, is to take the very same math that our brains do so well, and use it to create positive change in your life.
There’s no extra work involved on your part, because we’re using the power of the human mind the way the human mind works best, while reframing it in a positive direction.
Fact of the matter is that if you’re reading this blog, it’s because you’ve realized that something has to change, and that something has to change now, in order to get your dating life on par with where you want it to be.
Wherever on par is for you, the moment has passed in your life where you’ve acknowledged that enough is enough, and you’ve certainly had enough of being alone. You’ve certainly had enough of watching girls get swooned by jerks, only to watch their hearts break, when they could’ve been with you instead.
Dating Successfully With Nice Guy Syndrome
To put it bluntly, it’s going to take a bit of time to go from a guy who is suffering from NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) to a guy who has mastered the social art of attracting and seducing women.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that places obscene value on right now right now right now right now right now, and it’s just not physically possible.
My vocation as a chef, means that occasionally there is a rush on an order in the restaurant where I’m working (the order was forgotten by the server, or the guest wanted it last minute, etc), and someone will say to me, “Can you get that to me as fast as humanly possible?”
It’s not a matter of humanity, it’s a matter of physics. The correct answer (whether I say it or not) is, “No, but I can get it to you as fast as physically possible.”
There are laws that govern our universe, and when it comes to food, there are physical laws surrounding the study of chemistry that allow me to do what I do in the kitchen. Human ability has nothing to do with it. It’s about the laws of physics.
The mental decision that you made, that enough is enough, follows the laws of physics known as quantum mechanics. When you made the decision to change your life, it happened in a quantum leap – it happened instantaneously, and there is no going back.
However, just like making the decision to stop smoking does not a healthy cardiovascular system make (that takes time to recover), nor does just like making the decision to lose 50 pounds does not a 10% body fat make (that takes time to lose); going through the process of being socially adept and comfortable in your own skin will take a few years, as well.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu
What Is Nice Guy Syndrome
The reason being a “nice guy” is considered a syndrome, is because it is in fact an actual syndrome. By the very definition, a syndrome is a characteristic combination of opinions, emotions, or behavior.
What that characteristic combination of opinions, emotions, or behavior entail is nicely summed up by this Urban Dictionary definition of what makes a nice guy so invariably a sufferer of Nice Guy Syndrome.
“Acceptance is transcedence.” – Osho
Change Is Possible
The first step is to acknowledge that you have Nice Guy Syndrome. Read over the definitions one more time, so that you can really get a sense of where things are going wrong. Write out what it is that you feel needs to change starting with you, first.
If you need to write out everything that you feel the world owes you first, then go ahead. The next step of the exercise is to put a line underneath those statements, and work towards changing them into what you can do to be a part of that change.
“Girls just say they want a nice guy, but they really want a jerk.”
“All girls want to meet a great guy – if girls don’t see me as a great guy, what can I start doing today, so that one year from now, girls see me as a great guy?”
The difference between those two statements is huge, because the first one shuts the mind down, whereas the second one opens the mind up to start looking for solutions.
As you begin to compile your new list of potential solutions that may range from learning how to speak in public, to taking on more social hobbies, or to even start approaching more girls for dates and going out on more dates, you will begin to accumulate the experiences and the knowledge necessary to eventually become the kind of guy who deserves the kind of life you currently desire.
“Desire realized is sweet to the soul.” – Proverbs 13.19
Change The Syndrome
Next is to start changing the syndrome that you identify with. Instead of identifying with having Nice Guy Syndrome, why not suffer from having Great Guy Syndrome? In essence, being successful is a syndrome, too. Remember, a syndrome is simply just a characteristic combination of opinions, emotions, or behaviour.
Ergo, if Nice Guy Syndrome can be summed up as having a combination of these traits:
Poor / Lack of communication abilities
Poor / Lack of social skills
Neurotic sense of self (not comfortable in own skin)
Feeling that something is wrong with himself
Feeling that all women love jerks
Poor / Lack of fashion sense
Feeling an arrogant sense that the world owes him everything
“I should get a raise.” – Why?
“That girl should like me.” – Why?
“I don’t understand why they picked him, instead of me.” – Why?
Couldn’t we just as easily spend the next 2 years, every day, little by little, work towards turning these opinions, emotions, or behaviours into their opposite:
Excellent communication abilities
Excellent social skills
Loving sense of self (love himself)
Feeling that something is great with himself
Feeling that all women love great guys
Excellent fashion sense
Feeling a confident sense that the world owes him what he deserves:
“If I put in $100k work, I’ll receive more than $100k one day.”
“If I treat that girl the way she wants to be treated, and she’s open to the idea, we may be together one day.”
“If I work on becoming a team player, and a leader among men, everyone will pick me to be on their team one day.”
It takes a couple of years of consistent solid work, however, without a shred of doubt, I know that I have been able to turn these opinions, emotions, or behaviors around.
Once I realized that I didn’t need more time in the day to go to the gym, I just needed to take the hour I wasn’t going and replace not-going-to-the-gym with going-to-the-gym.
Or that I didn’t need to find out what I needed to eat, I just needed to regulate what I was already eating.
Or that I didn’t need to stop dressing, I just needed to tailor the clothes I already had, and buy the proper sizes of the clothes I was already buying…
Catch my drift? The brain is already working 24/7 to accomplish what you desire to be your self-image.
Or as I say on the Nice Guy Dating Podcast – your truth, your passion, and your vision. Who are you really, what is your passion (your inner fire), and what’s the vision for how you want your life to look?
If you tell me you want to have a girlfriend in your life, and you give me a list of your daily habits; meeting, attracting, dating, and seducing women had better be on that list. Reading books, watching videos, finding friends, going to events that increase your sociability had better be on that list.
An adequate use of your 24 hours will behold you more time in the day than you ever thought possible. In fact, because time is feminine, having control of your own time makes you incredibly masculine if you have a dominant use of the time that you’ve been allotted in a day.
Real men don’t chase after time, money, women, the night, the moon, darkness. Dominant men have control over the feminine aspects of their lives, and allow the feminine the room it desires to chase them.
“Wealth may dwindle to less than nothing, but he who gathers little by little increases it.” – Proverbs 13.11
Acknowledge The Road
As I had mentioned earlier, we live in a very right now right now right now society. It’s best to distance yourself from that cultural idea as right now right now right now as possible. Life takes time, and there is plenty of time if you’re dominant with the use of your time.
Remember, time is a girl; you’re a boy, and boys and girls play in specific ways to keep the species moving forward.
For example, when I want to drive from Phoenix to Los Angeles, I’ve made the decision to make the drive, however, if you’ve ever made that drive, it’s a very boring 5+ hours.
Fact of the matter is, there is absolutely nothing I can do on that trip, other than to continue driving in the direction that the highway sign says will take me to Los Angeles. The rest is trusting in the process, and knowing that eventually I will arrive in Los Angeles.
The same is true for any kind of personal development journey.
Let me show you what I mean. Here are pictures of me along my journey from being a guy who suffered from NGS, to a guy who now teaches other guys how to make their own lives better.
(2008) This picture was taken long before I even made the decision to change. At this point, I was clueless and angry.
(2012) Here’s me just before I began my journey. I was about to be Friend Zoned for the very last time.
(2013) Fast forward just one year, and you can visibly see a different guy. I call this Truth, Passion, Vision – playing on stage in my element is insanely attractive to the right woman.
(2015) Fast forward a couple more years, and here I am trying on clothes with a female friend to get her approval. This isn’t something I would’ve even thought of doing when I had NGS.
(2016) Here’s a recent picture of me. The change is intense, insane, and just simply could not have happened overnight.
Not only have I got a confidence and swagger that beams through the camera, I’ve also got an impeccable fashion sense that one of my female friends coined as being “smart casual”.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a woman look at you, desire you, and think that you’re smart? All while not wearing any glasses? Me, too. Which is why I’ve stayed the course on the personal development journey from dating with NGS to no longer suffering from NGS.
“Right or wrong, one thing is good about the past – it is no more!” – Osho
What Changed Over The Years
The first point I want you to take away from this is that I didn’t wait until I no longer had any signs or symptoms of NGS before I started dating and getting out there.
When I started on my journey, I started no different than you:
I read a lot of books
I watched a lot of videos
I attended seminars
I attended bootcamps
I worked with coaches
I took a lot of action
The reason why a lot of the advice out there is the constantly the same is because it works. For example, here is what I do now, and what I want you to ask yourself is if it is any different from when I started my journey back in 2012:
I read a lot of books
I watch a lot of videos
I attend seminars
I attend bootcamps
I work with coaches
I take action like it’s mine (because it is mine)
Has anything changed? No, it hasn’t. How I drive from Phoenix to Los Angeles involves my foot on the gas from the first mile to the 300th mile and every mile in-between.
If I were to change any of the behaviors that are working to get me from Phoenix to Los Angeles, I would cease to continue to arrive in Los Angeles.
If I were to change any of the that are working to make my life better, my life would cease to continue to become better.
“Rich man and poor man meet; the Lord made them both.” – Proverbs – 22.2
The Pain And Reward Of The Journey
This isn’t going to be easy. When going on a journey of one thousand miles one step at a time, that means taking an awful lot of steps. Your feet are going to hurt, you’re going to get tired, hungry, beaten, and even sun burned.
However in the process of gathering little by little, your desire will be realized, because by gathering little by little on a journey of one thousand miles, I give myself no choice but to soon be rich with life, rich with experiences, and deserving of the life I want right now.
People you currently know may not like the changes that you’re making. That’s fine. They’ll either come around or go away, both of which are a reward for your hard work and efforts.
If your life is currently filled with grief, take an honest look at the friends you have – did you choose them to become wiser? Or did life end up tossing them your way over time, and now you’re not sure how they got there or why they’re there.
“He who keeps company with the wise becomes wise, but he who consorts with dullards comes to grief.” – Proverbs 13.20
One Final Word
Dating successfully with Nice Guy Syndrome is going to be a process. As you constantly strive to take more meaningful action that is in service to others, based on your talents and your skills, your life will gradually get better and better.
In fact, the changes will begin happening so fast, you won’t even believe it yourself.
Just like losing weight requires weighing in on a scale, measuring your body fat, and taking pictures – becoming better with women is going to take some measuring.
Take pictures of yourself every 90 days (you’ll see the difference everyone else sees)
Keep pictures of the girls you went out with whom you never thought you could get (they’ll get better, too)
Work with coaches from a variety of industries
Dating / Socializing/ Etiquette
Read and Re-Read Books
Watch and Re-Watch videos
Get around other great guys on the journey (ask them periodically how you’ve been doing and what you can work on)
Never give up
I wouldn’t promise you something I haven’t lived myself. And I promise you that if you work towards a better you starting today, that tomorrow you’ll be one step closer to having the kind of social life, the kind of dating life, and the kind of professional life you know you deserve, yet may have never thought possible.
I’m Kevin Alexander, and I run a podcast called The Nice Guy Dating Podcast, where I interview leading experts in the field of health, nutrition, fitness, fashion, dating, and sex among other personal development topics. We believe on Nice Guy Nation to live true to yourself, to have a life filled with passion, and to have a vision for how you want your life to be, which we call living with truth, passion, and vision. Check out more of my material from blogs to books to podcasts at NiceGuyDating.ca
“Better is always possible.” – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
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