This is an exchange between me and one of my in-person coaching clients. Allen is 29 years old, limited sexual experience- 4 women in his entire life. 3 girlfriend and a one night stand. He worked with me on his porn addiction for two months. It culminated in one of my very rare in person coaching sessions.
Great working with you this weekend. I have to say, when it comes to having all of the proper mindsets, attitudes and self awareness to improve at this stuff, it’s all there. You’ve got your life together, you got your looks. Really all you DON’T have is a bigger set of balls and a cooler city to live in. You get those two things handled and life will be good. Here’s the overview of the weekend as well as some “next steps” for you.
Friday night I thought you did very well, better than I expected. I barely had to push you into approaching at all, and I think you ended up approach 10-12 girls. Early on you started out all right, I think towards the middle you started asserting yourself more, coming in more forcefully, introducing yourself to groups and holding yourself more confidently. These were your best sets. I think towards the end of the night you got a little fatigued and burnt out and a few rejections kind of put you in your head a little bit. These rejections are a normal part of the game, and some times they’ll come in strings of 3 or 4 in a row. That’s just how it goes. Some nights will not be your night. Others it will feel like you can’t do anything wrong.
Saturday afternoon you approached 6 girls, all direct, getting a phone number. Although I think if you had pushed every interaction like you should have, you would have gotten 3-4 solid numbers. You really began to come into your own halfway through the afternoon and your approaches were much better and anxiety was low. Day game is purely a game against anxiety. If you can approach without being too nervous, it’s a walk in the park.
– Don’t approach women from behind. This is more or less going to be an insta-rejection any time you do it. Pay attention to your body positioning, look for the people who have the most open body language. In a group of girls, look for the ones who are facing the most outside a group to approach.
– Don’t “disappear” once you’ve approached. Stand up straight, smile, speak loudly, and don’t be afraid to assert your own will, even amongst strangers. This seems to be one of the most uncomfortable aspects for you, but it will go the furthest as far as drawing that “energy” to you in a group.
– Any sense of lack of conversation or humor or needing something to say in your case is simply nerves. You held interesting conversations with me perfectly well, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to hold interesting conversations with girls you just met.
– The power of direct! I know you’re already a convert, but probably 1/2 or 2/3 of my approaches are direct these days. When said genuinely with some confidence, it is lethal.
– Don’t eject too early. This happened more during the day. I realize that when we feel awkward pauses or awkward silences, our first inclination is to remove ourselves from them, but you need to fight through this urge. Rest with the awkward silences, learn to tolerate them and surprisingly she will too. Don’t leave a set until she leaves or she explicitly tells you to leave.
The biggest thing you need is just a consistent practice. You don’t even need a monumental go-out-five-nights-a-week-and-approach-10-sets-a-day plan or anything (although you can do that if you want). But you do need some consistent exposure to a lot of this anxiety. As we discussed, if you can do that, then a lot of the smaller issues will resolve themselves with time and experience.
I’d say if you went out 1-2 times a week and approached five times each time you went out, you’d be in a good place within 2-3 months. By “good place” I mean that approaching wouldn’t be nearly as nerve-racking, your conversations would be smoother and you’d probably be able to get laid with some sort of consistency.
Since going out alone is often very hard to motivate yourself to do, what I often recommend to guys is to try and integrate some challenges into your daily life. So for instance, if you go out to buy a pair of shoes, just tell yourself, “OK, I can’t buy my pair of shoes until I approach two girls.” If you’re out with your friends, tell yourself, “OK, I can’t get another drink until I approach a girl.” Hell, even hand your friend a $20 and tell him not to give it back to you until you’ve approached. Do stuff like this and you’ll get the ball rolling. Typically after the first 1-2 approaches, the rest will come easily.
As far as escalating goes, need to just go ahead and take action. Don’t try to figure out or decide what he reaction will be, force the issue and make her reject you. You’ll not only be surprised how pretty much you’ll never get rejected, but even times when the girl didn’t really want to hook up with you, the fact that you assert yourself so aggressively will turn her on and she’ll actually get into it. There’s a saying, and it’s true, “If a man is thinking about whether he can kiss a woman or not, it means he probably could have 30 minutes ago.”
We didn’t talk about this much, but it sounds like you’ve more or less decided that you’re done with your girlfriend. You just haven’t worked up the nerve to say anything about it. The first night, you mentioned that perhaps knowing the other sexual opportunities you have out there will help inspire you to let go. This has some validity to it, but I’m afraid that once again, you’re probably just making an excuse to avoid doing something difficult.
Breaking up’s not easy, and particularly for a guy with your sticking point, I’m sure it will be excruciating. But that’s all the more reason to do it. Manning up, asserting your will, and being willing to hurt her feelings are all things that are probably things you need to learn to do. Again, I don’t know the details of the situation, but from what I gathered from you, it sounds like that needs to happen at some point soon.
Feel free to email me with questions any time. Also, and success stories or cool things that happen to you I love hearing about. I get former students who email me about new girlfriends, losing virginities, ending dry spells, etc. and it always makes my day.
Also, if you’d like to write a testimonial for me to use for my website, that would be awesome. Guys really do read the testimonials and I take them seriously, so anything you’d like to write down would help me out a ton. The best testimonials usually cover: what issue you had, what we did to fix it, and any results you got from it.
And finally, if you’d like to do more coaching down the road, I offer 25% off to former students. So just keep that in mind.
I hope everything goes well for you man. It sounds like you’re going places. So just keep it up and keep in touch.
Thank you very much for the recap.Your perception is amazing. I will send a testimonal a little later.For now, some surreal things are happening and I need to tell someone.
Right now, I’m sitting my my hotel room in D.C with a huge smile plastered across my face-its been this way most of the morning.It smells like sex.I just dropped off a hot 20yr old @ her sorority. We banged all night and waay into the morning.
I went out to a few bars with some friends yesterday.Forced myself to make some approaches which were o.k.As the club was about to close,I started going in direct-very confident,genuine and strong. Approached this blonde hottie and told her she looked absolutely sexy tonight.Her response? “Shut up and take me to the dancefloor”, made out with her,but she wouldnt leave without her friends.I was a little disappointed and the club was closing so I went outside with my friend and watched drunk students stumble around.
Next thing I know, this smoking brunette comes out of the club and her guys friends go to get their car to pick her up.I smile at her across from across the street,wave her over and we end up talking for about 5 minutes all the time,I’m making conscious effort not to be in my head and just own the conversation.There a karaeoke bar right behind us and we go in -my friend bounces-his gf fell off a mechanical bull or something.We’re in one of those small dimly lit asian kareoke rooms and I pick a song I know I’m going to kill-sing to her and half way through I wonder”wtf am I doing?” so I stop mid song, and go in for the kiss-t .Long story short,I take her her home and we fuck all night as aforementioned. This is the most attractive woman I’ve ever had a one night stand with-I mean fit,tanned,freak-in-the-sheets,down for giving me head in the car on the way back to my hotel hotness.Her friends freaked out and texted her all night 🙂
Friend: “What are you doing????“
Hottie: ” out of town guy,lol :)”
When we were done I asked her when she knew she was going to go home with me and she said the night BEFORE when I had opened her set(I didnt even remember this!) at the same club.Apparently her friends were attracted to me and kept asking her all night who I was-she kicked herself in the head for not following up.I’ve never had such an attractive woman tell me she cant believe she was hooking up with a guy as hot as me(this baffled me to no end,as I could hardly believe I was hooking up with her)-she was texting her sorority sisters non stop in the morning to tell them she scored with me! what??
To be honest, I havent done something like this in a while and for some strange reason,I started to felt she was such a cool person and it would be great to see her again…but why would I want to do that when I can have more variety? I think its my scarcity mentality telling me I’m lucky to hook up with such a hot chick-the same thing that stops me from ending my current relationship.
The surreal thing is that it seems a new world opened up to me after coaching with you. HonestIy, I realized that I’m actually better looking than I think I am.I always thought I was a unattractive at some level-but I had no idea my accent,my background, and the way I looked played a large role in pickup. I bought into the “mainstream” pickup stuff and thought I was some kind of nerdy guy lacking in social skills needing to compensate with routines and all that crap. Direct is where its at-I’m sure the routines and negs/whatever will come in handy occasionally,but nothing beats direct-I really think this suits me.
Well, that was what happened last night 🙂 I’m going to take a nap and go out again tonight.Thanks for opening my eyes, Chris. I’m still dazed.Major paradigm shift going on here.
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