How To Deal With The Shame of Using Porn (Part 1)

 

shame

So, you’ve just masturbated some porn so vile that you swear you’ll never do it again. You feel terrible for what you’ve done and the 17GB of porn you’ve collected over the years feels more like carrying 170 pounds of guilt on your shoulders.

You’re tired of living with the shame. You want to move on.

But how do you move on without knowing understanding the roots of your shame?

We’ve all been there. Shame, for some of us, is what drove us to slowly start seeking help for our porn use.

Today, I’m going to show you how you’ve kept the the flame of your shame burning brightly.

 

Expectations:

adhd-shutterstock_97484372-617x416-320x202

 

The QPGG community is made up of men from different cultures,countries and religions. We have Christians, Muslims, men from India, men from Quatar, men from Sweden, men from Kenya-virtually every nationality and race read this blog. From a young age you had to fulfill some societal expectations which were for the most part, completely unrealistic. Some of your cultures implied that masturbation was a no-no, some enforced a zero tolerance policy toward premarital sex, others shamed you for being a certain age and not in a committed relationship with a woman.

The standards set by our societies and cultures were so damn high, that you lived in fear of expressing our sexual desire or intimacy.

 
 Whenever you tried to express either, you were sure to be damned by those around you, so you satisfied your sexual desire with porn. 
 
You developed a fucked up sense of intimacy. 
 
You believed that intimacy involved a partner making you “whole”.

Man…we were so fucking wrong.

The truth is that we have always been complete. We were born whole. We deserve to be treated a complete being.

The journey now involves taking off and ridding ourselves of all the bullshit we accumulated through the years.

Commitments:

committ

Because you are given unrealistic expectations, you understandably make weak commitments.

You over promise and under deliver in everything.

You avoid responsibility when you underdeliver. Its easier to make excuses and blame others for your fuck ups.

You got married when you were addicted to porn; your wife found out about your porn addiction and your relationship crumbled around you. Did you take full responsibility for its failure, or did you blame someone else?

If you don’t know how to got laid, wished to have a girlfriend but don’t, its no ones fault but your own.

Its not your culture, or parents or society’s fault.

I was born into a very conservative family- hellfire and brimstone was promised to me if I dared masturbate or have sex before marriage. While the expectations placed on me created great shame for my porn use, the moment I took full responsibility for my life, I stopped making commitments I could not keep. I stayed away from making promises if I knew they did not align with what I wanted from life.

Your first and foremost obligation is to YOURSELF. When you get into a plane, you are instructed that in case of an emergency, you should put the oxygen mask over your face first, and then your child.
 
Obviously, you have to be safe and secure first before you can ensure the safety of those who depend on you.

Self- Destruction:

alone

I was so messed up when I lived in shame. I had tried so hard to be what the world expected me to be and I had failed. I was useless as a man, unworthy of love from a woman, abandoned and ostracized by “good and decent” people.

The worst part was even when I had left this environment where I felt judged, I still judged myself- even more harshly than my family, society and culture.

The feelings of unworthiness and abandonment I felt were reinforced and a result, my porn use escalated. A seed had been planted in the garden of my mind and I had become the gardener of my shame.

You destroy yourself when you carry the expectations, judgments, and criticism of others.
.

Lying to ourselves:

liar

Imagine sitting down for dinner with your family, knowing that just a few minutes before, you had watched the most hardcore debauched shit ever.

Or coming home from a business trip to your wife after  acting out a fantasy with a transsexual prostitute?

Going on a trip with your girlfriend, looking around at all the beautiful women surrounding you and realizing that you want the freedom to have sex with more than one partner.

The image we present to those close to use, to those we care about and to our family, is frequently a lie. We are the perfect sons, husbands and boyfriends. Using porn was a weakness that we would never reveal.

Ever so often, the impact of our secret life would spill over into our regular life. We got better at hiding it and creating special “shelves” for it. Eventually, it becomes normal to live like this.

Unfortunately for us, our version of “normal” is not human. Being human involves truthfully facing ourselves, and using the strength that comes from our vulnerability as a tool for growing beyond the pain we have caused ourselves.

Principles:

ethics

 

All the unrealistic expectations, lying, and self destructive habits we developed that contribute to our shame have caused us to lose our way.You cannot have any principles when the way you live your life is determined by the expectations of others.

Shame and principles do not go together.

A man living with pornography as his ball and chain cannot claim to have ideals, ethics or principles.

Every principle you think you have will eventually be eroded by your lifestyle.

 

Most men who use porn face a struggle on the inside and try to reconcile it with the demands of the outside world.

True peace is found in the space in between being absolutely real and authentic with ourselves and to the outside world.

One of the most effective ways to rewire your brain is to find a way to express the shame you feel on the inside, by consistently expressing yourself to the outside world.

By doing this, you can rebuild the story that you’ve created in your head thanks to expectations, lies and commitments.

 

 

 

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Photo Credits: Shutterstock

  • Daniel

    I’m probably going to get a lot of flack for this, but here goes.

    This article highlights some great points, but has the same flaw like so many others – it places FULL BLAME on the victim. It’s like getting shot, but it being your fault that the bullet hit you in the first place.
    When you place full blame on someone, even if it isn’t entirely their fault, they feel guilt and that isn’t exactly a motivator for wanting to stand up and face their problems – it makes them want to run away. Facing any demons take practice and preparation. That person has to be ready and armed with the right knowledge to face it. Using the gun example, you could stand up to it, but you will still get shot – in fact you make it easier to shoot you and possibly kill you. Give that person the knowledge and courage to remove or disarm the gun – well the rest of the analogy speaks for itself.
    If I could give my own version to this it would be this:-
    Yes your porn viewing and lifestyle choices are not helping, but it is possible to get back. We are responsible for our actions, but responsibility does not equal blame. Responsibility is taking control, learning and adapting and accepting that ‘porn viewing’ isn’t helping, but you can learn to live without it.

    • Daniel,

      First off, thank you for taking the tie to comment. You may express your opinion- that’s why I allow commenting.

      We know that society, culture or religion may be to blame.I am encouraging men to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for their current situation.

      Men know that their porn viewing lifestyles are not helping.

      This is not a website for “victims”. There are at least 50 articles on this site that summarize your version of this post in one way or the other.

      The follow-up to this article provides solid ways of leaving to live without porn:

      http://www.quitporngetgirls.com/2015/11/16/how-to-deal-with-the-shame-of-using-porn-part-2/

      • Daniel

        I re-read my post yesterday. My frustration was clearly playing through. The problem for me is that I am tired of feeling guilty and tired of blame whether it is aimed at me or others. I have found when guilt plays a part, it follows through with procrastination and inaction. This year I made myself a promise to stop laying blaming and/or guilt at mine or other peoples feet. Instead to try and encourage positive change, accepting what has been done, but looking forward to positive change and not blaming when stumbling. Unfortunately, I got a bit carried away when I read this article and when I read the word RESPONSIBILITY, I see it as blame and it gets to me.
        No disrespect to this or any articles as they offer great advice to help and I am reading them regularly. This is something I need to tackle so in future I need to stop looking at the parts I think relate to blame.

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