How To Be a Happy Porn Addict

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[sociallocker id=”641″]We’re going to talk about happiness today,players. First off, lets talk about what happiness is not.

1) Happiness is not something that you deserve or something that you have to earn
2) Happiness has nothing to do with morals
3) There is nothing wrong with chasing your happiness

Happiness is a state of being. A mental state which exists in the present. A mental attitude that can be learned, that can be practiced. I used to live my life on a “lay-away” plan. “I’ll be happy when I save ____ amount of money”, when I’ve achieved some milestone, won some victory or completed some task. Terrible mistake. Once I had achieved that milestone, another one invariably appeared. To be happy, you must be happy. You cannot be happy “because of” a situation.

Happiness is a state of being. A mental state which exists in the present.

Your habits and your self esteem are partners that walk hand in hand. When you make changes in one, you automatically see corresponding changes in the other.

I looked up the word habit and one of its archaic definitions is: “a long, loose garment worn by a member of a religious order or congregation.”

Your habits are clothing “worn” by your personality. You do not have them by accident, or as a result of some experience beyond your control. You have them, because they fit you . When you deliberately and consciously work on developing healthier and better habits, your self image literally outgrows your old, unhealthy habits and grows into the new ones.

Its interesting to note that almost 100% of our responses, feelings and behaviors are a product of habit. The boxer does not “decide” which part of an opponent to strike. The pro football player does not “decide “which play to make. These reactions are automatic and without conscious thought. Similarly, the habitual porn user does not “decide” to open up a new tab and type in his porn site of choice. It too is a result of a habitual reaction to certain stimuli.

We’ve let resentments, frustrations, dissatisfaction and annoyances affect us out of habit. Alot of these reactions have been PRACTICED so long, that they have become habits. Someone cuts you off in traffic, someone goes back on their word to you, someone stand you up, you get rejected by a woman, you relapse and watch porn on the 89th day of a 90 day plan. The resulting reactions-anger, self-pity, resentment, hopelessness. Otherwise known as the state of unhappiness.

You are a master to your mental attitudes. Not a slave.

I had a client I was coaching recently ask me: “Chris, how the hell am I supposed to be happy? I’m 23 years old, only had sex with one woman and I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 11. I’m a fuck up! ”
I informed him that yes, it was a fact that he had had sex with “only one woman”. It was also a fact that he had barely gone a day since he was 11 years old without watching porn. However, it was only his opinion that he was a fuck up.

I was a virgin till I was 21, I too was addicted to pornography for many years. I made countless shameful decisions based on my porn habits. Every woman I was attracted to wanted me as a friend. The media and society told me that I had to be rich, and ridiculously good looking to date the caliber of women I desired. I spent countless nights in bars working up the courage to even make eye contact with women. I tried to quit porn and relapsed over and over again for YEARS. These were facts. Some people thought that porn addiction was a “myth” and that it was unhealthy or downright impossible to have a life of abundance in terms of relationships with the opposite sex. But I did beat my porn addiction. I did learn how to talk to women, how to bring a woman home with me from a bar night, or even during the day. I learned how to build relationships with the opposite sex. I overcame my feelings of inadequacy and guilt related to women and encouraged by pornography. I did all of this, by reminding myself that those “impossibilities” were just “opinions”.

Your beliefs, emotions and attitudes are all subject to habit. When you were younger, you learned to associate certain ways of thinking and feeling with certain situations. These attitudes were considered “appropriate” to that situation. An example from my life is that, as a teenager, I would always break eye contact and try to end a conversation early with an attractive woman, for fear of “screwing up” or revealing my attraction. I felt embarrassed, shy and perhaps ashamed at the prospect of being caught. Years later, as an adult, I still had the tendency to think feel and act in the same way whenever I encountered a “similar situation”.

As men, we need to understand that all our habits can be reversed, changed and modified simply by making the effort to consciously decide to practice a new behavior. The boxer can make a conscious decision to strike a different part of an opponent. The football player can consciously decide to learn a new play- it is not a particularly painful procedure. It requires focus, alertness and diligence till the new behavior is thoroughly mastered.

By habit, everyday, you either put your wallet, billfold or phone in your left pocket or your right pocket. You wear your watch on your right hand or on your left hand.

Tomorrow morning, decide consciously with pocket you will put your wallet or phone into and which hand you will wear your watch on. Make a conscious decision that for the next 30 days you will form a new habit of changing the hand you wear your watch on and the pocket your phone or billfold goes into.

Till next time,

-Chris Haven

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