Porn Use Is Not Cheating

The growing trend of internet porn is leading to the destruction of many relationships and proving to be the root cause of many dysfunctions within relationships. A lot of angry partners struggle with the question “If my spouse/partner is using porn is that cheating?”

Over the years, I sat on the fence on this debate,but I’ve finally come to a conclusion. Using porn in a relationship is not cheating. When you get into a new relationship, the first thing to do is decide where the cheating line is drawn.Any couple in this day and age that does not establish this line clearly is walking a tightrope over a canyon of pain and deserves every bump on the way down. Before we jump into the reason why using porn in a relationship is not cheating, let me, as a former “serial cheater” give you a brief  lesson on cheating, as this is crucial to understanding the topic of this post.

The saying goes that men cheat because they can and women cheat because they are unhappy in their current relationship.I agree with this. I also know that men who cheat have a few characteristics in common:

1)Deep down, they do not believe in monogamy and they believe even less in concepts like “soul mates” or “the one”. It doesn’t mean they cannot love a woman.It just means that they are in love, but they cannot deny their belief, so they train themselves to live with both.This has nothing to do with porn.

2)Most men who cheat consistently are very good at managing their familial obligations.This is because they have rules that govern their cheating lifestyle, such as not sleeping with another woman in the town where they live and not having sex with people who don’t have as much to lose as they do.On the contrary, men who do not cheat are more likely to be found  jerking off to PornHub , visiting the strip club socially,and trolling Craigslist and Backpage for illicit and anonymous sex which they never get around to because they are too loyal to their marriage.With regards to the men who cheat, this too has nothing to do with porn.

3)Cheating is much easier to get away with than most men a willing to admit.The seasoned cheater has been at it for years and I have met spouses of men who took their secret cheating ways to the grave.This has nothing to do with porn.

Lets also get one fact straight. It is overwhelmingly women who support the notion that using porn is cheating.Why? Well, when women decide to bond with a man and spend the rest of their lives with him, instinctively, they’re looking for a provider and a father who will be there for her and any children she may raise in the future.Now before the feminists pounce, I said instinctively.Be cool.The fact that he cheated is a personal affront to women because it poses a huge risk to her commitment(instincts).

Men’s reproductive needs are different from women’s. They instinctively feel to need to procreate with multiple women.Its a genetic compulsion in most men. This is a fact. Men can choose monogamy and elect to spend the rest of their lives with one woman. A lot of men choose this path and navigate it successfully. Its does not make them better men.I respect  men who maintain their fidelity in their marriage,because it is a mark of devotion(to their decision and to one woman) as well as  discipline, however I equally respect men who choose to have sex and casual relationships with multiple women because it demonstrates proficiency in a skill most men lack these days.

Neither porn use nor porn addiction in a relationship is  cheating, because a man using porn is exploring the instinctual nature he chose suppress by choosing monogamy.If he is hiding his porn use, as is often the case, it is usually because he realizes the effect it will have on his partner and also due to the shame of his unreconciled relationships with his instincts.In this case, partners in a relationship should look at establishing clear limits to porn use.

Porn addiction is different from casual porn use because it is destructive and debilitating to both the relationship and the man involved.Unfortunately, too many women spend their emotions on the fact that men hurt them and violated the sanctity of the relationship instead of focusing on the fact that their partner is addicted to a chemical process . The man struggles with a compulsive chemical issue and his wife with a trust issue, which invariably results in a very bumpy road to recovery.

To compound matters, counselors-both Christian and secular, online “porn experts”, feminists and Dr Phil lambast porn use in a relationship as cheating-each trying to protect their own interests: the sanctity or marriage, women’s rights/feminism, and in Dr Phils case his ratings,since his audience is made up of mostly women.

We need to spend more time educating individuals about the reality of pornography addiction and less time trying to protect and promote our personal agendas. I for one have made up my mind on this tired fallacy masquerading as “fact”.

 

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